if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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