Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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