Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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