Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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