Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
