this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
