And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
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Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
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My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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