my sisters under your porch take her home
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
