Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
your parents love me but you hate me
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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