So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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