you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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