god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
