a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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