i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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