i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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