The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
