I faked an abortion last night.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
