If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
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She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
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the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
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