you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
