We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
