new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
