My hand turned me down
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
