Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
