you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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