He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
