why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
