I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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