i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
