You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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