We're like a lot better than the average bears
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
