Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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