I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
