I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
