made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
