First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
