I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
