Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
