If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
