How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
