u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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