He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
