I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
