imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize