my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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