My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
