i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
