By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
