Rock
Scissors
Fuck
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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