once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
