I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
