so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
