I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
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Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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