im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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