Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm passing your future prison.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
