You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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