I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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