Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
