I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
